It is just. When you go away it always makes me sad. And when someone else spends the night, too.
I don't even know why I say someone else. I don't ever spend the night.
After the accident, I thought you would come and hug me. But it is usually wrong when I think something like that. All the time in my head it said if it had happened to you I would have driven home right away and hugged you and said things will be alright. But you didn't do that. You came home late, and you checked my car, you didn't come upstairs or hug me. I suppose that's the right way to do it. I had decided to be grateful when things happen that make me sad because it usually means that I misunderstood something and when I think some more it makes sense again, and of course you don't want to hurt me. I need to relax more. I have no idea why everything became unnatural and I rethink everything before I act and then I don't know what to do. Oh yes, I know my mother said I should not act on impulse but think beforehand. But that advice made everything unnatural.
Yesterday, everybody said again that you don't care about me. But I know that's wrong.
I really needed a hug. Preferably from you, but from anyone really. I was so scared. But all everybody said was I should go see a doctor if headaches persist. Sure, I will do that. But to have someone hug and kiss you, that is priceless and that is also not an emergency you can claim. Although there are people now who are professional huggers. How sad is that.
And things have been so much better between us lately. A slow process as you say. But well, as it is with processes, they don't improve in a straight line. In a way I was waiting for something bad to happen. And the bad things that happen are usually, you leaving, you saying "honestly..." or some other woman. I am afraid I spoiled it again by acting spoiled. You ask a lot of going outward and understanding. I still think we have the best connection and the best potential for harmonious coexistence in the universe. It is just sometimes hard. Especially when the head hurts a little and it is scary to have a car bump into you from behind, like in an autodrom. Someday I want to take you to Vienna, and show you how things were.
A few days by myself here without worrying about your comings and goings may actually not be so bad. But when you say it, it always sounds so dramatic. But at least you told me this time, you gave me a heads up about things. And that's good. I guess. Tomorrow I will trust you a little more. And tomorrow I will relax a little more. And everyday a little more.
I don't even know why I say someone else. I don't ever spend the night.
After the accident, I thought you would come and hug me. But it is usually wrong when I think something like that. All the time in my head it said if it had happened to you I would have driven home right away and hugged you and said things will be alright. But you didn't do that. You came home late, and you checked my car, you didn't come upstairs or hug me. I suppose that's the right way to do it. I had decided to be grateful when things happen that make me sad because it usually means that I misunderstood something and when I think some more it makes sense again, and of course you don't want to hurt me. I need to relax more. I have no idea why everything became unnatural and I rethink everything before I act and then I don't know what to do. Oh yes, I know my mother said I should not act on impulse but think beforehand. But that advice made everything unnatural.
Yesterday, everybody said again that you don't care about me. But I know that's wrong.
I really needed a hug. Preferably from you, but from anyone really. I was so scared. But all everybody said was I should go see a doctor if headaches persist. Sure, I will do that. But to have someone hug and kiss you, that is priceless and that is also not an emergency you can claim. Although there are people now who are professional huggers. How sad is that.
And things have been so much better between us lately. A slow process as you say. But well, as it is with processes, they don't improve in a straight line. In a way I was waiting for something bad to happen. And the bad things that happen are usually, you leaving, you saying "honestly..." or some other woman. I am afraid I spoiled it again by acting spoiled. You ask a lot of going outward and understanding. I still think we have the best connection and the best potential for harmonious coexistence in the universe. It is just sometimes hard. Especially when the head hurts a little and it is scary to have a car bump into you from behind, like in an autodrom. Someday I want to take you to Vienna, and show you how things were.
A few days by myself here without worrying about your comings and goings may actually not be so bad. But when you say it, it always sounds so dramatic. But at least you told me this time, you gave me a heads up about things. And that's good. I guess. Tomorrow I will trust you a little more. And tomorrow I will relax a little more. And everyday a little more.
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