Mirror - soglitudes

TO KET HER

7/23/2020

Ich habe eine neue Idee für einen Namen. Da SOGLITUDES geschützt ist in Europa, und ich mir denke, Einsamkeit ist so richtig für mich weil ich es immer projiziere, und wenn ich die Krone projiziere, die Krone, von Kether weil ich mir gedacht habe TOGETHER TOGETHIM to be with me by my side to enjoy life together TOKETHIM das ist ein lustiger Name.
Diese alten Posts von vor 5 Jahren die machen so Weh im Herzen. Wie er mich immer manipuliert hat und ich sanft um ihn herumgestiegen bin und es ihm so egal war ob ich lebe oder sterbe, dass Sex wirklich eine Waffe sein kann, nur eine Waffe um jemanden zu verwenden und ihn zu biegen. Ich war diese Woche auch grausam und habe es nicht gut gemacht.
Es ist auch schwer zu verkraften (unmöglich wie das Leben generell für mich einfach zu schwierig war - weil ich lerne also wegen der Erziehung so falsch und so unfassbar nicht wieder gut zumachen leider was jetzt was mach ich nur jetzt?
Heute denke ich mir wirklich alles wäre sicherer als hier zu sein. Meine Mami Hübi Ziegi so viele Namen musste ich ihr geben weil sie mir so fremd geworden ist. weil ich nicht mehr wusste wie ich sie nennen sollte ich bin noch nicht einmal beim Trauern angekommen.

June already

6/1/2016

Not supposed to be here. Even if it is certainly the most beautiful place in the world.
Can't run downstairs and tell you about my day.
But sometimes now you come upstairs and tell me about your business. It is good.
We have five minutes together, in between two important things. Sometimes none at all.
An eternal threshold. And a knot inside me. Always.

Fall colors

11/6/2015

There was so much time between us. Now, there is a little space.

The new work I am doing is philosophical journalism. So I need to confront people about thoughts that I have or that I gathered from what others said.
You took good care of my plant. We are still not, maybe never, at the natural, normal having dinner stage. We were there once, for a short while, perhaps before the desire took over everything. There are different rules for desire and for friendship. Also there are different rules that apply to you and to me. But those are fine. We are not in each other's way. We have achieved perfect harmony in being.

Most other interactions are still terrible to me and I shun company. Some people know me well or don't judge me or don't disturb me with their stupidity and impose their stupid worldview on me. I am supposed to ! yes! supposed to make better judgments, because I learnt critical thinking. This is what philosophy is really all about. I should not be impressed by opinions of others. yes, should not. Should not listen to every shred of word that others say.

But what if they come and POLLUTE my world in a permanent way. And I can't find a way to keep them away from my mind. they have a mind set, they have expectations that were wrong from the beginning and I have tried to make that clear but they won't listen. So please tell me how to get rid of them. You would certainly give good advice as always. But I know you don't like to think that there are even others in my world. Even when they disturb me. They really aren't in my world. Just trying to get in.

And I need to keep my world free from stupid pollution, otherwise I can't create, as you know. Again, you are the only person who understands the soglitudes journal. They are building blocks indeed. Building blocks, these are just all my thoughts. It is at the same time exhilarating and spellbinding that you get me and everything I do with one word, one sentence, one look. And there is really nothing else to say. Like when We make love. I am yours. In us. In between.

The everyday. These days you had not many guests. You were alone, and you got pizza I think, you didn't invite me. A long time ago we did that together. Still these moments were the best in my life. I cherish them like treasures, like the things you send me.

separating the cars

3/2/2015

Never believe a good moment. I just remembered you wanted to separate the cars. And I of course did what you said I always do what you say and I moved out of your way. So you can invite the good, nice other friends and they will have enough room to park comfortably, in between yours and mine. Great.

Relax!

3/2/2015

Let's say we are making good progress, and I learn to open up and be happy. You are perfect anyway.
The thing is there are a few things I wanted to say but then in the moment they seem so pointless, so out of context, and I also don't want to invent things that could make us fight when in fact everything is perfect.
Ok, not everything is perfect, but almost. I am jealous, yes, and I want to be more around you for everyday things like food and sleep. Yes, I do. I wish we could relax more. I feel that you are also stressed not just me.
I am afraid that we fight. Although it is usually a good thing, not always, but lately. A good thing when we fight, it makes us closer sometimes but not always and it is better to enjoy the moment. I didn't know that it was also hard for me to open up. And relax. I need to trust you more and not be so afraid of everything.
It is like I come with a bag full of things and when I see you it is all empty and free and just you and me.

March already

3/1/2015

Oh my, the life got boring. It is true, you should not state the biggest fear, as much as you should be careful what you wish for. Interesting also that people only take down your plans and hopes and wishes when they turn out to be totally impossible to reach. Not because you are unworthy of them. Or maybe a little.
Some people are artists and they want to be perceived as such, part of an artistic project in every part of life. Part of the creative part of someone creative. Some people are not, they just do. And those people are more likely to be part of an artistic project. In my case, become my writing muse and at the same time my emotional plague. Usually they both go hand in hand.
But after a while, never knowing what to do, and always thinking there are eggshells everywhere is exhausting and stressful and very unlikely to make anyone happy. And there we are again, you were right, we could never be together. Of course not. And I would certainly be fed up with you even before you finish the sentence where you ask me out.
Oh, what a relief. So we don't need to try that.
Cool, now life is utterly boring.

Missed moments

2/25/2015

Are there really missed moments?
Yes, yes, yes.
In my mind they are missed moments and they destroy my life, every time a little more. I am not wise. I am not Proust and I have not learnt how to find lost time again. I just keep on losing it, and it drives me crazy, every time a little more.
And just yesterday evening before bedtime I thought I am over boys now, definitely into men. But there is no connection.

You say are you home and I am not.
You say envelopes and I went running.
I don't dare offer to pick you up lest you turn me down because you don't want to bother me.
Is there any hope for us?
No, no and no.

Everything is always and will always be just wrong.

I know already that I am fundamentally wrong in the universe and that all the things I do, have done and even those I haven't done are wrong, should have been done differently. I should have tried more, with someone else maybe, and certainly at another time. OR NOT EVEN.
But then again, two other possibilities.
I am just so unimportant that even if you are the most important person to me it is worth nothing.
In the scene in Birdman, Emma Stone shouts that you are not important and that you should get over it. That's something she says because her father doesn't care about her, or at least she thinks he doesn't, or the movie itself wants to say that that's the reason why she screams like that. And also in her sobriety camp she was supposed to learn humility by writing the numbers on toilet paper.

So, as it will never be normal or relaxed, I thought like an idiot that I am, and I missed it again. I thought it would be weird and you would feel uncomfortable and therefore I would not be able to jump and explode with sheer happiness to see you just to know you are back because you are the happiness on Earth for me. But maybe it would have been like that. We will never know because of course I spoiled it again. In the course of the last years I have learnt that it is better if I suggest nothing because you don't say no if I don't say nothing. But this time it was wrong. I should have offered and I had the message written on the phone and I even told you that and I bet that was wrong again and it makes you invite other women into our house again. Other women who are nicer and smarter and who do the right thing at the right time, not like me, walking through the town, ripping out her hair.

Today would have been the only hopefully last chance of a missed moment where I could have come to pick you up and we could have been happy, for once. We will never be happy. I will always spoil it, always think when I should act, and the other way around. But I spoiled it again. I wish to God and the Universe that I will not have to go through this again, that you find a good other person who acts right and is patient and is there when you need her and that is not fundamentally wrong in the universe. An eternity of lonely nights for me, and an eternity of joyful right pleasurable patient and lively company for you. Good-bye. Please forget me, I will forget myself and just die inside.

I think I know where this whole terribleness comes from. Some families are not like that, but in mine there was this demon that I caught, because I am the weakest.
The father, the man, expects some things from his chosen woman. She needs to be independent, and sexy, and have some undefined strength to provide him with the "repos du guerrier". Then she fails, and he goes out looking for alternatives. That does not make him happy either because most of the women are disappointments. Then, the daughters take it all, they get sick or depressed or become unable to enjoy anything or find purpose, fill up life with things that are important and nice, like men can, they don't worry so much, they put the blame on the woman, and the blame is gone from them, it's on her.

In swiched at birth another educational show for me that teaches about problems people have. Especially teenagers. But it is still most interesting how they react to things. Daphne has a chance for a casual sex relationship and turns it down after thinking it through, very matter of factly, the way she does things, not crying or recoiling or hoping things get better by themselves like I do. She just walks right in there and complains that he behaved like he barely knew her. And that he did not indtroduce her to his friends. Although he invited her over in front of them, I thought that was very nice. She seemed to have no emotions at all. She just said she wants to have conversations outside the bedroom. And he says that's called a relationship. She wants one, he doesn't. So simple. Matter of fact. And it sounded so simple, so fast. Two people meet and they talkd and they have sex and that's a relationship. Maybe it is just so simple. Why do we complicate things then? One, and one, then two, and then if it doesn't work out, next one? Is it not that simple?Even without emotions, without paying real attention. He said he has a broken heart. That becomes a stereotype in romantic tv-shows. He has a broken heart and wants to protect it. Do women ever do that? Do women ever say things like that? Or do we know that it doesn't make sense to protect your heart, because that hurts so much more because then time stops and moments get spoiled. And things become weird and have a fake taste.

Well, I guess it is good to say things like that; to complain when there is something wrong. But in movies it is always easier, without the whole innuendo, the whole shades of grey of everything, the whole emotional range that is involved in a relation between two people. And I always try to understand most of them before I do something, which makes me cry a lot and makes me be lonely a lot and makes me write a lot and appear weird a lot. But well, that's the way I am. And no one really knows what to do with that. Least of all people, you.

But I was so happy to see you this morning. So, so happy. To hug and kiss you. As always, when I see you. You make the heart warm inside and the home complete again.

let's not do that

2/21/2015

It is just. When you go away it always makes me sad. And when someone else spends the night, too.
I don't even know why I say someone else. I don't ever spend the night.
After the accident, I thought you would come and hug me. But it is usually wrong when I think something like that. All the time in my head it said if it had happened to you I would have driven home right away and hugged you and said things will be alright. But you didn't do that. You came home late, and you checked my car, you didn't come upstairs or hug me. I suppose that's the right way to do it. I had decided to be grateful when things happen that make me sad because it usually means that I misunderstood something and when I think some more it makes sense again, and of course you don't want to hurt me. I need to relax more. I have no idea why everything became unnatural and I rethink everything before I act and then I don't know what to do. Oh yes, I know my mother said I should not act on impulse but think beforehand. But that advice made everything unnatural.
Yesterday, everybody said again that you don't care about me. But I know that's wrong.
I really needed a hug. Preferably from you, but from anyone really. I was so scared. But all everybody said was I should go see a doctor if headaches persist. Sure, I will do that. But to have someone hug and kiss you, that is priceless and that is also not an emergency you can claim. Although there are people now who are professional huggers. How sad is that.
And things have been so much better between us lately. A slow process as you say. But well, as it is with processes, they don't improve in a straight line. In a way I was waiting for something bad to happen. And the bad things that happen are usually, you leaving, you saying "honestly..." or some other woman. I am afraid I spoiled it again by acting spoiled. You ask a lot of going outward and understanding. I still think we have the best connection and the best potential for harmonious coexistence in the universe. It is just sometimes hard. Especially when the head hurts a little and it is scary to have a car bump into you from behind, like in an autodrom. Someday I want to take you to Vienna, and show you how things were.
A few days by myself here without worrying about your comings and goings may actually not be so bad. But when you say it, it always sounds so dramatic. But at least you told me this time, you gave me a heads up about things. And that's good. I guess. Tomorrow I will trust you a little more. And tomorrow I will relax a little more. And everyday a little more.

car

2/20/2015

headache. someone bumped into me, stopped too abruptly. not a very good day yesterday then. the car is fine, thanks.

yesterday was worth it

2/19/2015

There is too much mind in my body still and this makes the pleasure difficult. Concerned, as always, you said. When one is absorbed in something, work, pleasure, love, there is only this and awareness concentrated on the action so much that it is not aware to be aware of the action. I have tried to say this with simple words so many times. The words are not the problem, they are simple enough. Steven Pinker today in his talk said that people have clear ideas and don't express them clearly. My professor Pierre Magnard always said the opposite; as long as your idea is not clear you will write gibberish. And I have always followed his advice and tried to rewrite and rethink until it is readable.
Sometimes it is a very small very sudden twist in reality that makes something that was difficult for a while easy suddenly. And no, no, no, it is not always all my fault.